Changes

Things are picking up. Feeling some sort of order coming back to my life....I feel...tingling like I'm happy? haha

Here to hoping to ending 2013 on a good note :)

Unhappy

I seriously think I have never been this unhappy or depressed in my life before. It may be the side effects but everything feels so wrong. I need to start and align things again.

Sometimes you just need to smile on the outside to hide the hurt in the inside.

Perma

Gawd... I miss her.....

Figure the Meaning

Life is about adventuring the unknown, to learn to give and take what it gives you. Took me a long time to figure this out but we all come to this belief. #lifeisbeautiful #takechancesmakemistakes

Lemon Tree

Sometimes, I wonder to myself what am I becoming. So much has happen within the last six months that if you told me this was my life, I would not believe you. Sometimes life hands you a lemon tree. A tree with rotting lemons dripping citrus acid into your open wounds and eyes. And as you sit there underneath this tree, you have two options. Let it continue to serenade with its loving marinating juice or get the fuck up and make some fucking disgusting lemonade. Or get out of the way but that isn't fun.

I feel so grateful for the people who have been an anchor for me in this troubling time. The storm has waned off and I feel a fresh start may be upon me. I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do but I know one thing...to continue chasing and pursuing happiness, because that is what life really is about. We are mortal for but a flicker of time and we really need to go out there and see what we can do in such a limited time.

Music has always been a part of my life. But it has never been my escape until now. It truly has changed my life and to see life in such a new tint and through a new perspective...it is so liberating. I throw away the conservative cape I was wore to be one that feel so....free. It is seriously liberating. When you feel the very soul of the song within you and your feet move by themselves, when you see the person next to you not as a stranger but a friend...it is amazing.When you see people not as tools but as individuals living there own life, fighting their own battles, in it as much as you are. And that why I am who I choose to be. People who say I change don't really know me or people who say I am not a better person can't judge me. I am whoever i want to be and I know it will end eventually, this feeling of youth and euphoria, but I'm going to make it last as long as I can. I am going to make my lemonade.

Sick

Pretty sick and tired of it....Will write a more detail post when I figure things out. But who knows when that will be

One Shot.. One Opportunity

In life, you are always given a series of choices. What you make with it is your own doing but each one opens a new door that branches off into even more choices and so on. Even what seem to be the randomness lies an ounce of consciousness. Take for example the fact you are drinking coffee right now. Someone calls you from across the street and after a momentary look of surprise, your memory kicks in and you jog over....forgetting the drink on the park bench you were on. Even this sense of forgetfulness  is driven by the fact that coffee was a lower priority at the time and will not register until later when you need it or never resurface at all.

Sometimes the doors you go through are revolving and as you stride through with confidence and know how, you end up on exactly the same side you are on. And no matter how many times you go through that door, you are still on the same side. Circular reasoning...something that humans can identify and see and process but they still proceed to follow it hoping it is different each time....Hope..

It this notion of hope that bugs me. Going through life hoping, wishing, dreaming but never realizing. That is one of the scariest thoughts of all.

I always subscribe to this notion of hope. Always a dreamer they told me with a dash of a realist hidden behind a facade of silliness.

Always hoping there was something there....slowly realizing there was nothing at all. That's life folks.

I get so angry and frustrated with her. That is how I know it won't work out, that is how I know faith is not enough. Sigh. Fuck man.

Oh Snapples

Hmmm I just told what I been feeling for awhile to someone... I hope it doesn't come back to bite me.

Better yet, I just hope it all settle down so I don't have to think about it.

Hmmm

Damn I need shut up and clam up sometimes. Lesson learned

1%

I really shouldn't double down and go all in when all I'm holding is a 2 3 off suit.

But sometimes its worth going in when you feel that it may be the one.

Defiance

I feel like I always been a very considerate guy. I live my life to my own moral code, do things in my own distinct honor, follow a set of behavior that is not common among people today.

Today, I will change that. I value my privacy a lot and with that comes to people whom I believe to have confidence in with what to share information with them. There came a case where I felt that trust was betrayed. I understand the reasoning behind it. I understand why they did it fearing for me and disclosing to a close friend. But that still doesn't wipe away the process of confidentiality. I am what I say I am and I need to confront this or our friendship will never be the same.

Today I embark on a journey where I probably won't be the same. The world is still here. The ocean and skies are still as majestic. The mountain as stoic as ever. Myself? Forever changed.

That One Night

I keep thinking what I was feeling that night. The music, the sensation, the thoughts that swam through my head while I was intoxicated. I know what I did, knew how I did it, and felt it the whole night. It still leaves me a warm fuzzy feeling inside even though weeks has pass and the time has changed. I know this can't work but why do I hope for it to do so? Why can't the heart and the mind ever agree? Is it built into our DNA to never believe, to never open up and feel vulnerable. What is it with human know that things can never work, that the feeling isn't there, that they continue to strive for it hoping to get lucky.

I dunno what it is but the fight to live, the will to survive is still there...and I guess I'll be here until it all blows over.

Light at the end of the Tunnel?

I'm beginning to sleep better. Life is slowly returning but I know there still an aura of emptiness about me. I just need to figure out what I want to do about my love life. Only then, can I return with vigor and tackle the rest of the issues I am facing.

Life sucks. Never gonna be happy again. Bleh. Yadda Yadda ya. My life is seriously a rerun

Y Area

Tonight was one of those nights you try to not think about. Revelations in things that shouldn't happen. Changes in the unknown. Everything gets scattered. My mind is for a complete bend. I think I know what I want but I definitely shouldn't because in this case it would be bad. What do I say when all you think is about that time.. That night when everything seemed so much easier,  so much clearer. I can't imagine it be.. But it is. This is a rant, definitely. But not how I imagine it to be. I can hope, but I'm not too sure I would be happy even if I got what I wanted. Better to not tempt the gods.

Bloop

Bloop

Loss

This is by far the worst period in my life. I'm shattered and drained both emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have never ever been in such a state of apathy. Nothing will ever be the same and I'm sure I will never ever be truly happy again.

Loss of innocence sucks man.

It happening all over again. The feeling, the yearning. I miss you so much. Fuck man

Linking from the Past to Learn About the Future

A view from the past

Always appreciate all the small things you have. Cuz you never never ever know when that will all come crashing down. Life is such a precious and fragile thing to keep such petty emotions such as hate and jealously. Recently, I feel like everything have been crashing down on me. But for everyone else, they too each live their own separate and unique lives and you don't really how beautiful and wonderful that is until you actually see it. To be emotionally vested in these people who share with you their beliefs and understandings. Who are willing to let down that gate and be unguarded, even if for a second. And who come to you and cry their hearts out knowing that you can't do jack squat.

Recently, there have been many of these incidents. And it really makes me thinks, how one little block could be the support for everything in our life. And if that block isn't there, what do you have? What is there left to support when everything you ever known comes crashing down? I known so many people recently where their life will never be the same cuz that foundation is broken. And the regret and desire to wish things were back to how it once was but how is that even possible. How can you live like that knowing that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate everything you have even though you feel like their nothing to cherish. Because it could always be worse....

Ugh

Still thinking on what options I have open... Sometimes you just gotta take a chance....

Empty

I want to leave work so badly. I feel so empty right now....FFFFFFF

Meaning

Its so hard to find meaning in life right now. I had a purpose before, a set agenda, a goal that felt tangible and attainable. And that has all disperse. I feel like a wandering ghoul trying to search for vengeance. I just want to drop everything and explore the world.  To start anew and rebuild my life back up. I have never been as close to actually doing that as I am now. Sometimes that what you have to do when your world is shattered...

These last few years has been a roller coaster of emotions. I like to feel like I evolved as a person, that I became a better human being but what have I done beside shield and guard myself from what I truly want. That I rather have momentarily allure of peace than to end the grief that hangs over me. So I changed course and I feel I have to do what I must to build myself as a new person. Sometimes, taking that first step is harder than getting to the goal.

Confuzzled

So hard to care about where my life is headed now....ugh needa get out of this mindset.. so unlike me

Argh...

Man, no matter what I do to create space and try to forget, it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. I had fun in Vegas this past weekend; it was epic with lots of alcohol, new experiences, bachelorettes, bachelors, going out of my comfort zone, etc...but it's always the same result at the end. Wondering what I am doing and where I am heading. No matter how temporary the happiness is, in the end, I am overwhelm with sadness and grief. You really start questioning if you can truly be happy anymore with nowhere else to turn..

...

Does it help that I can't stop thinking about you.

Nights Are Always the Longest

Life can be seen as being govern by a few key areas. Friendships, family, relationship, and work life. Each of these are major contributor in creating who you are and what you can achieve in this world. A year ago, my trajectory was all but set. In my own self contained bubble, I was reaching towards the final conclusion of my relationship, always fearing for the future but having the resolve to look into my own family for support and strength. Now, my trajectory is all but shot. And as I scramble around looking to right this ship, I realize their really is nothing to look forward too. When your sole purpose to exist was that you honor the family name and treat your parents right. But when that light extinguish, it left nothing but the anguish of broken dreams and hopes. And this started the catalyst for the chain reaction we witness to this day. 

I am angry, don't get me wrong. There was so many other different ways that things didn't happen. But when your role model falls...it is so hard to right the ship. It leave you unstable...emotional...and prone to outbursts.

..but I will overcome it. I live by my own moral code even though I'm a wanderer now. A wanderer looking for meaning in his existence. 

Now to stop pull all-nighters and striding into work. That'll be a different challenge. 

Interesting

Some days, it is harder to care about life than others. Last night was definitely the latter. You try to care so much about something, you imagine them as your heroes, your idols, your role models....and everything has to come crashing down. It is so hard to trust right now. How can you when the very pillar of strength you depend your whole life was nothing but a carcass of rotting wood, whose strength you use to depend on has been replaced. I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly happy again. I feel right now I lost everything and it is soooo hard to care about anything. I try everyday...but some days...are definitely harder than others.

I need to throw myself into work right now and drown away the sorrows and thoughts. I drink myself and dance on the weekend to forgot the inevitable tomorrow. Everything is a stalling game to a game I'm about to lose.

A New Start

With every closure, there is a rebirth, a new start. To open up your mind is to open up your heart, something I am still learning to do. This will be very interesting. To a new start.

Struggles

I never write  about this because I am a stubborn fool. That is the truth. I left because I couldn't focus. I also felt so alone. All throughout my life, I had wanted to be part of an organization where people genuinely loved you. I had that. But because I was stubborn, I threw it all away.

I became a recluse and skitter  away from all that I had known those two wonderful years. My best memories were generated from those years. I even went to dinner and people peppered me with love. It pains, it aches....I wish I could've changed. I wish I understood as much as I knew now. Life is too short to be so petty, too fragile to waste on emotion. But I persevere, dreaming of all that I had lost.

I finally got it back. Three long years of ardent love and affection, to reach that pinnacle again. I won't let it leave me anymore. I won't be as stubborn.  I am who I am because of my experiences. And I will never hold back again.

Friendship

I always do this. Those who I hold most dear to me becomes an idol in my game. There shouldn't be anything....but there is. My heart thumps when it shouldn't.

I was made so angry. I feel like this life I lead is a lie. I'm not ready for this. She is too good for me.

I need to stop hiding behind the wall and own up to my own mistakes. I should not have ridden this out his long. It isn't fair to anyone, me nor her.

My mind is not pure, tainted like a foul abyss. I need friends, people whom I should respect with so much honor.

veggass

EDC Las Vegas  was amazing!! Even if I got pickpocketed.... lol

Shit happens.

April Fool Day

Another April Fool Day is upon us. Time to focus our mind and strengthen our resolve for the trials that pick at your mind.

For me, it is a signal. A signal that another year has passed without achieving my goals, without being one step closer to where I want to be. I dream of being among the stars where all I have been is among the rabble.Here I am hoping to make a name for myself, to dream that I am making a difference in our world. The truth could not be further.

It has taken my resolve to not think of another. To yonder where dreams are created and men' wishes fancied. Always secretly wishing and wondering if today I was a fool or not.

But all of that does not matter. I begin anew, to be stronger then my kin, to forge my body like that of a cliff battering against the ocean in open defiance. I go, stronger and better.

New Years 2013

New Years 2013.

Three little words that culminate a new beginning, a new eon in every sense of the phrase. With the world not abruptly and prematurely ending, there was definitely a sense of celebration and we intended to live it up.

In my own world, NYE 2013 will be the turning point in my career. No longer confined to the notion that the end of the Mayan calendar would spell doom to us all, my latest resolve burn forward. I would do my best to create a blog post everyday. I am a bit late but here goes nothing.

I'm back, back again. Andy back, be a friend.