Loss

This is by far the worst period in my life. I'm shattered and drained both emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have never ever been in such a state of apathy. Nothing will ever be the same and I'm sure I will never ever be truly happy again.

Loss of innocence sucks man.

It happening all over again. The feeling, the yearning. I miss you so much. Fuck man

Linking from the Past to Learn About the Future

A view from the past

Always appreciate all the small things you have. Cuz you never never ever know when that will all come crashing down. Life is such a precious and fragile thing to keep such petty emotions such as hate and jealously. Recently, I feel like everything have been crashing down on me. But for everyone else, they too each live their own separate and unique lives and you don't really how beautiful and wonderful that is until you actually see it. To be emotionally vested in these people who share with you their beliefs and understandings. Who are willing to let down that gate and be unguarded, even if for a second. And who come to you and cry their hearts out knowing that you can't do jack squat.

Recently, there have been many of these incidents. And it really makes me thinks, how one little block could be the support for everything in our life. And if that block isn't there, what do you have? What is there left to support when everything you ever known comes crashing down? I known so many people recently where their life will never be the same cuz that foundation is broken. And the regret and desire to wish things were back to how it once was but how is that even possible. How can you live like that knowing that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate everything you have even though you feel like their nothing to cherish. Because it could always be worse....

Ugh

Still thinking on what options I have open... Sometimes you just gotta take a chance....

Empty

I want to leave work so badly. I feel so empty right now....FFFFFFF

Meaning

Its so hard to find meaning in life right now. I had a purpose before, a set agenda, a goal that felt tangible and attainable. And that has all disperse. I feel like a wandering ghoul trying to search for vengeance. I just want to drop everything and explore the world.  To start anew and rebuild my life back up. I have never been as close to actually doing that as I am now. Sometimes that what you have to do when your world is shattered...

These last few years has been a roller coaster of emotions. I like to feel like I evolved as a person, that I became a better human being but what have I done beside shield and guard myself from what I truly want. That I rather have momentarily allure of peace than to end the grief that hangs over me. So I changed course and I feel I have to do what I must to build myself as a new person. Sometimes, taking that first step is harder than getting to the goal.

Confuzzled

So hard to care about where my life is headed now....ugh needa get out of this mindset.. so unlike me

Argh...

Man, no matter what I do to create space and try to forget, it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. I had fun in Vegas this past weekend; it was epic with lots of alcohol, new experiences, bachelorettes, bachelors, going out of my comfort zone, etc...but it's always the same result at the end. Wondering what I am doing and where I am heading. No matter how temporary the happiness is, in the end, I am overwhelm with sadness and grief. You really start questioning if you can truly be happy anymore with nowhere else to turn..

...

Does it help that I can't stop thinking about you.

Nights Are Always the Longest

Life can be seen as being govern by a few key areas. Friendships, family, relationship, and work life. Each of these are major contributor in creating who you are and what you can achieve in this world. A year ago, my trajectory was all but set. In my own self contained bubble, I was reaching towards the final conclusion of my relationship, always fearing for the future but having the resolve to look into my own family for support and strength. Now, my trajectory is all but shot. And as I scramble around looking to right this ship, I realize their really is nothing to look forward too. When your sole purpose to exist was that you honor the family name and treat your parents right. But when that light extinguish, it left nothing but the anguish of broken dreams and hopes. And this started the catalyst for the chain reaction we witness to this day. 

I am angry, don't get me wrong. There was so many other different ways that things didn't happen. But when your role model falls...it is so hard to right the ship. It leave you unstable...emotional...and prone to outbursts.

..but I will overcome it. I live by my own moral code even though I'm a wanderer now. A wanderer looking for meaning in his existence. 

Now to stop pull all-nighters and striding into work. That'll be a different challenge. 

Interesting

Some days, it is harder to care about life than others. Last night was definitely the latter. You try to care so much about something, you imagine them as your heroes, your idols, your role models....and everything has to come crashing down. It is so hard to trust right now. How can you when the very pillar of strength you depend your whole life was nothing but a carcass of rotting wood, whose strength you use to depend on has been replaced. I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly happy again. I feel right now I lost everything and it is soooo hard to care about anything. I try everyday...but some days...are definitely harder than others.

I need to throw myself into work right now and drown away the sorrows and thoughts. I drink myself and dance on the weekend to forgot the inevitable tomorrow. Everything is a stalling game to a game I'm about to lose.

A New Start

With every closure, there is a rebirth, a new start. To open up your mind is to open up your heart, something I am still learning to do. This will be very interesting. To a new start.