A new beginning is coming..

I'm a Dead Man Walking....But I feel unaffected

Lessons

I have learned so much this past year and where it will take me I'm not sure. Career-wise, I am uncertain. But I know that in order to be free, you must first live. A new maturation is coming. And I am ready for it.

Everything is almost right...

I feel that time heals all and it definitely does. But there still is something missing....haha how I always wish for the past or over analyze things when I shouldn't

HFD

I had my share of fun. Now is the time to grow as a person. I think its time to let it heal.

Time to be the person I want to be.

HFD

Memories

Memories are all that I have left of you
Figments that run wild in my imagination
Fluttering, sputtering, I grasp at it
Only to see myself empty handed

I was naive, young, and bold
Daring to dream
Daring to hope things would last forever
but alas, Life continues

Life is a cruel and heart wrenching mistress
And I too gullible to her ways
Daring to hope
Daring to dream
Daring to convey

Waddling about
Season changes
Day turns to night
The sun exits so the moon can shine
And here I am, in this festival of lights
Wondering where my memories will go
As you lead us to our next

Blurb

A coworker told me a funny thing today. She told me that they miss the old “jolly” Andy. This is a funny thing because I remember a period of time when I had no worries, when the only important thing that would populate my mind everyday was what we were having for dinner that night. And then a chain of events would rock my world, changing my very perception and outlook on life. You see, life is balance on a few generalizations that form your social web or pyramid as you may call it. You have the aspect of life which are your friends, the aspect of life which is your family, the aspect of life consisting of work, and the aspect of your life concerning how you are doing with your personal relationships.

And I was doing miserably on a majority of these points. I won’t bore you with the details, but they seriously derailed my life. For the next six months in this turbulence period, I learn some very important life lessons. Some of which I will be explaining in greater details down the line. But let explore what sparked this current intrigue of mine and look into an emotion of happiness.

Jolly. It was a definitive word because I knew it was true. But deep down under that façade, turmoil was already stirring and began to creep into my lifestyle. When everything all exploded, I was devastated. Left with nothing left, I began to try and pick up the pieces.

Music. Music was my saviors that carry me through some troubling time and gave me breath and freedom to do what I needed to do. Especially EDM. I have always listen to music but this was different. From the soul raising vocals and beats of Above & Beyond to the feet moving melodies of Kaskade, I was hooked. Never before was I able to release all this pent up anguish and distress and just live my life knowing that it was not the end of the world that things can changed. Dance change my mindset in life. All these restrictions I place on myself release and life started making sense. To be able to channel the energy into dance and move my soul with the beat, it truly kept me happy. Truly made me want to continue what I was doing.

To dance is to express your soul. And music is the conductor of this venture. I was out there doing things I imagine I would never do. Participating in events that I never dreamt possible. I was living life and never before had I felt this free.

What I was before wasn’t a jolly person. I was a naïve fool hiding behind a façade just hiding what I really felt and hoping my grief would not overcome my beliefs.  But I learn to cope with my problem and live for myself. What they see now isn’t some defective person or someone who has lost himself. What they see is someone who is doing his best to live life whose innocence was robbed from him. But from that, he will transpire to something greater.

I want to catch up and see how everything is...To see the world through different lenses, different perspective.

So tired of everything.....aghhhhhhhhhhhh

Time

I been up for about 30 something hours now and I feel like my mind is starting to play tricks on me. But for some reason, it is also the best time for me to figure things out.

Everything has been an endeavor. And sometimes, I don't know what is real or fake anymore. I know I could never live a few of those lifestyles because that just isn't me. Yet at the same time, I can't be happy at where I'm currently at. A double misnomer had you.

Life travels onward, the bird will continue to sing, the sun will continue to rise. No time to mope and whine. No time to self pity yourself. Only thing to do is discover the next milestone.

Endless.

Live life the way you want to live it. Disregard those that don't agree. Hardest thing I ever had to learn in life.

Life

Sometimes you wonder if life will be okay. Everything goes against your way and as mighty and as hard as you push to overcome it, it just overwhelms you. I been feeling like that for the longest time, trying to grasp at straws, looking for anything to satisfy my curiosity.

I felt so hurt and betrayed, and in my misjudgment, I took it out on the one person who was there for me all this time. Even though we had our tiffs (lol), we still manage to forge ahead and make it work.

Still it leaves you to wonder all the what ifs that happened in my life. It was a whole new adventure interlaced with the greatest sorrows, the happiest of joys, and lessons abounded.

I can still look back and say, "Look at all I did..." but still didn't do what was necessary of me...

But that is okay. Some things are meant to be buried. Some things are meant to never be discovered. Some things just aren't suppose to be.

Functional Relationships

Good Read I read from Reddit:

Most people don't know how to form functional relationships.

When you are younger, you are more open because you haven't yet accumulated enough filters from adults and society. You are just starting to experience judgment from others ("That shirt is stupid", "That question was retarded.")

You have to tell children to shut up because they are too loud.

You have to tell adults to speak up because they are too quiet.

Boundaries are necessary to growth. But most people grow up with improper boundaries placed upon them; society is very good at telling you want NOT to do (don't smoke, don't get bad grades, etc), but it's horrible at telling you what to do.

For example, think of all the myriad ways society punishes you for poor dating habits. Loser, loner, virgin, too ugly, too fat, too dumb, creepy, bad hygiene, etc. There are too many ways to count. But when it comes to actively give you the right direction, telling you the right way to date, society is conspicuously silent. Or you get the bullshit/impractical ("be confident, be yourself") advice that never works. Most of the time you end up in the friendzone revealing just how shitty that advice really is.

As you grow you adopt the same mentality that society has grown up with.

"DON'T do [insert bad action]...."

"DO [insert generic impractical advice]"

As a result, most of your relationships are borne of convenience; you're located in the same place, you like the same sports, you have the same hobbies. And at a young age, you're open enough to share these things. You sit next to someone in class and you talk about your G.I. Joes or the TV shows you like with abandon. It's very easy to make friends because children are very up front with their expectations. They wear their happiness and displeasure on their faces and you can hear it in their voices very clearly. This makes managing relationships much easier.

But as you grow older and encounter more and more moral judgment, you close up more and more because you fear the rejection of others more and more. You become a neurotic people pleaser.

Also, people don't learn the difference between forming relationships around necessities vs. forming relationships around commonalities. This is why most relationships are dysfunctional in nature; jocks hang with jocks. Art fags hang with art fags. Hipsters hang with hipsters. Blacks hang with blacks. Rich people hang with rich people, and so on. Everybody is on the look out for common cultural associations. Very few are ever taught to pay attention to their necessities.

Necessities are the basis for functional relationships. They are the people you actually miss when they leave, instead of the people you just wish you were around so you could have a little more fun with smoking weed or playing basketball.

When you form relationships around commonalities, you create OPTIONS.

Optional people are different than essential people. Optional people are like your waiter; you think you need them because they are serving you food and it seems like they're important at the time. But in reality, you could replace them in an instant with any other common waiter standing around.

Essential relationships are formed around necessities.

These are satisfying relationships because they do more than just give you a good time. That actually meet your needs. Your mom and dad don't necessarily give you a fun time every day, but they meet your needs. Same with a spouse. Same with any person who you are very open with, who you discuss your necessities with and who can meet those necessities. These are the people that become essential to your life. This are the people that become your arm and your legs--when they are removed from your life, it hurts. This is the difference between a bond of convenience and a bond of necessity.

Everything we do in life, every activity, every decision, every action is related to fulfilling our needs. We don't smoke just for the hell of it, we don't parachute out of airplanes, we don't join the military, we don't play video games, we don't go to raves, we don't surf the internet, we don't post on reddit for fake internet points just because we can. All these things are attempts to fulfill our needs in some way. If we recognize this and get down to the core reasons behind our actions, we realize just how powerful necessity is in governing our lives.

The beauty of necessity is that everyone's needs are universal. Although there are different activities and different cultures around the world, they are all governed by the same attempt to meet the exact same necessities. If you understand this, it become much easier to aim at necessity when forming your relationships. It becomes much easier to form a relationship with anyone.

Commonalities are hit and miss. They give you a false sense of belonging. But they are options because you can switch out commonalities like changing hats. You can switch tennis for swimming. You can switch rich for poor. You can switch athlete for nerd. You can switch gang banger for girl scout. They are all equally optional designations and ultimately worthless distinctions.

Necessity on the other hand hits EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. You don't have to guess what necessities the other person has because you have the exact same needs. Everyone on earth has the exact same needs. Forming relationships around necessities is much harder to do because it requires you to learn how to open up again, but it's also much simpler once you become skilled at it.

Help

There are bad days at work and then there are BAD days at work. Today trumps both of them.

Just need to focus on what I cherish and what I have instead of succumbing to this overwhelming pressure....

Longer rant later tonight..

Insecure

The feeling of being lost, of being not in control of your own destiny. That scares me. The sense that you're not in control and your leaving everything to whatever you may call it, luck, destiny, or maybe even fate.

Is this my own insecurity? I have always been forever plagued on what I want to do or where I want to go. Always hoping someone would lead me on, cheer for me. That someone else would be that beacon. I grown apart from my most immediate family. Sometimes I wonder why. Well I know why...but its the what I'll do about it that is hard. Sometimes, there just isn't a right answer to follow, that there isn't a right action to do. This overwhelming feeling of helplessness, despair. Yeah it sucks but in due time it will pass. 

I was talking to my sister as she was driving me back from ExLA and she told me something very profound. What they do is their own fault, their own life. Why are you letting it affect your life. And I know what she is talking about. I heard it before. I know I shouldn't , but here was my own blood sister telling me this. She who was going through the same emotion and anxiety attacks as I was. She who is in all regards, taking it harder than I am. But here is she, telling me in profound wisdom, that it isn't my fault, that it isn't fair to those I love to do this to myself. That it wasn't fair to Tiff to face this as I tried to figure things out. Maybe it was the emotional high I was on that night but it really struck a chord with me. Love family. Love friends. Love yourself. Be happy.

Four simple things to live by. Taught to me by my best friend.

 There were few things that I salvaged through the brutality only known as 2013 but the one thing I will always treasure was our friendship that blossomed. I connect with people but there are only so few that know me. And when I'm with her, I feel like I can just be myself and leave myself vulnerable knowing it'll be okay. To have someone like that, an anchor during the worst storm you ever face, it just makes life a little easier while I try to figure things out, to piece together what I have. It really crazy when you think about how circumstances turn out, but I'm a better person coming out of it. To be honest, I have no idea how I would've made it through the year without her. When you are already burden with so many worries, catastrophes, and secrets, it feels so good to have someone there by your side when you need it. To help lead you out of a storm that you least expected to get suck into. To connect someone on that level is invaluable. I seriously cherish every moment we got to talk whether it be about music, life, or random nuisances in life. I really really dunno what I'll do without her.

But enough of the emoness and on to a new year. A year of resolve, of new decisions, a year to not regret. Happy 2014!! Cheers! 

Turmoil destinate for destruction

sometimes i wish i wasn't just toss aside