Insecure

The feeling of being lost, of being not in control of your own destiny. That scares me. The sense that you're not in control and your leaving everything to whatever you may call it, luck, destiny, or maybe even fate.

Is this my own insecurity? I have always been forever plagued on what I want to do or where I want to go. Always hoping someone would lead me on, cheer for me. That someone else would be that beacon. I grown apart from my most immediate family. Sometimes I wonder why. Well I know why...but its the what I'll do about it that is hard. Sometimes, there just isn't a right answer to follow, that there isn't a right action to do. This overwhelming feeling of helplessness, despair. Yeah it sucks but in due time it will pass. 

I was talking to my sister as she was driving me back from ExLA and she told me something very profound. What they do is their own fault, their own life. Why are you letting it affect your life. And I know what she is talking about. I heard it before. I know I shouldn't , but here was my own blood sister telling me this. She who was going through the same emotion and anxiety attacks as I was. She who is in all regards, taking it harder than I am. But here is she, telling me in profound wisdom, that it isn't my fault, that it isn't fair to those I love to do this to myself. That it wasn't fair to Tiff to face this as I tried to figure things out. Maybe it was the emotional high I was on that night but it really struck a chord with me. Love family. Love friends. Love yourself. Be happy.

Four simple things to live by. Taught to me by my best friend.

 There were few things that I salvaged through the brutality only known as 2013 but the one thing I will always treasure was our friendship that blossomed. I connect with people but there are only so few that know me. And when I'm with her, I feel like I can just be myself and leave myself vulnerable knowing it'll be okay. To have someone like that, an anchor during the worst storm you ever face, it just makes life a little easier while I try to figure things out, to piece together what I have. It really crazy when you think about how circumstances turn out, but I'm a better person coming out of it. To be honest, I have no idea how I would've made it through the year without her. When you are already burden with so many worries, catastrophes, and secrets, it feels so good to have someone there by your side when you need it. To help lead you out of a storm that you least expected to get suck into. To connect someone on that level is invaluable. I seriously cherish every moment we got to talk whether it be about music, life, or random nuisances in life. I really really dunno what I'll do without her.

But enough of the emoness and on to a new year. A year of resolve, of new decisions, a year to not regret. Happy 2014!! Cheers!