Lemon Tree

Sometimes, I wonder to myself what am I becoming. So much has happen within the last six months that if you told me this was my life, I would not believe you. Sometimes life hands you a lemon tree. A tree with rotting lemons dripping citrus acid into your open wounds and eyes. And as you sit there underneath this tree, you have two options. Let it continue to serenade with its loving marinating juice or get the fuck up and make some fucking disgusting lemonade. Or get out of the way but that isn't fun.

I feel so grateful for the people who have been an anchor for me in this troubling time. The storm has waned off and I feel a fresh start may be upon me. I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do but I know one thing...to continue chasing and pursuing happiness, because that is what life really is about. We are mortal for but a flicker of time and we really need to go out there and see what we can do in such a limited time.

Music has always been a part of my life. But it has never been my escape until now. It truly has changed my life and to see life in such a new tint and through a new perspective...it is so liberating. I throw away the conservative cape I was wore to be one that feel so....free. It is seriously liberating. When you feel the very soul of the song within you and your feet move by themselves, when you see the person next to you not as a stranger but a friend...it is amazing.When you see people not as tools but as individuals living there own life, fighting their own battles, in it as much as you are. And that why I am who I choose to be. People who say I change don't really know me or people who say I am not a better person can't judge me. I am whoever i want to be and I know it will end eventually, this feeling of youth and euphoria, but I'm going to make it last as long as I can. I am going to make my lemonade.

Sick

Pretty sick and tired of it....Will write a more detail post when I figure things out. But who knows when that will be

One Shot.. One Opportunity

In life, you are always given a series of choices. What you make with it is your own doing but each one opens a new door that branches off into even more choices and so on. Even what seem to be the randomness lies an ounce of consciousness. Take for example the fact you are drinking coffee right now. Someone calls you from across the street and after a momentary look of surprise, your memory kicks in and you jog over....forgetting the drink on the park bench you were on. Even this sense of forgetfulness  is driven by the fact that coffee was a lower priority at the time and will not register until later when you need it or never resurface at all.

Sometimes the doors you go through are revolving and as you stride through with confidence and know how, you end up on exactly the same side you are on. And no matter how many times you go through that door, you are still on the same side. Circular reasoning...something that humans can identify and see and process but they still proceed to follow it hoping it is different each time....Hope..

It this notion of hope that bugs me. Going through life hoping, wishing, dreaming but never realizing. That is one of the scariest thoughts of all.

I always subscribe to this notion of hope. Always a dreamer they told me with a dash of a realist hidden behind a facade of silliness.

Always hoping there was something there....slowly realizing there was nothing at all. That's life folks.

I get so angry and frustrated with her. That is how I know it won't work out, that is how I know faith is not enough. Sigh. Fuck man.